Establishing Boundaries With Toxic People
BOUNDRIES
There’s a saying that goes, “tell me who you’re with, and I’ll tell you who you are.” Truer words have never been spoken. At various points in my life, you could see where I was by stature of the people closest to me. When I was in the military and doing well, getting a below the zone promotion and traveling to great places around the world, the two guys I was closest to had both been eagle scouts before joining the service. If you wanted to know who I was just before I had given up heroin nine and a half years ago, my closest friend was an ex-convict who was in and out of rehabilitation himself trying to kick heroin. Water seeks its level, and so do people.
Much of this comes from the Stephen Covey (The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) idea that you teach people how to treat you by what you will allow. My friend and I were close. We would steal from each other as well as lie and cheat each other. Most of the people that I knew at that time in my life were toxic people, just like myself. I abused myself and allowed others to do the same. These aren’t habits that end easily, either.
People, places and things. I’ve been hearing that mantra since coming into recovery nearly forty years ago now. I think that creating emotional and spiritual boundaries has been one of the hardest tasks of my life. And one of the most rewarding. It’s an amazing thing when you are able to cut someone off who has hurt you without having to resort to yelling and screaming and the like. I have learned to create boundaries and I don’t allow people to cross them. Places and things are much easier than people, as they are usually much easier to recognize. I don’t consume alcohol, no need for me to be in a bar. That one’s easy. I don’t smoke crack, so the crack house is out. Same goes for heroin, shooting galleries just aren’t necessary. Things. Well, I don’t need shot glasses, crack pipes, syringes, or cigarette lighters (I quit smoking over nine years ago).
People can be tricky. The bad influences you don’t even like can go first. Give them even a cursory look and you can see they were no good and took advantage of you. It’s those that profess friendship or even love, yet every time you’re around them they make you feel like crap about yourself. They’re quick to point out every negative thing life has to offer. They borrow money they have no intention of ever paying back. They make rude comments about your significant other. They let you know what a disappointment you are. Or any combination of these things. These are the spiritual and emotional vampires. They suck the life right out of you and move on. They are depressing and boring and make you want to do bad things and think bad thoughts. They may very well ask you to compromise your principals for their gain (yeah, I told my wife I was with you last night, lie for me. I stole money from my job and need to cover it up, help me out.) These people are different from a friend simply going through a tough time. These people are a tough time.
For me, the only way to get better was to place distance between myself and these people. I also needed to do my best not to be deceived by them. Some didn’t understand why I was placing distance between myself and them. I had a friend who, for the most part, I got along with. We had common interests and he was smart and funny. He had one thing that made it hard for me to get past. This man really enjoyed pissing people off. He would send text messages and emails to people (often in groups) just to upset them and start an argument. He loved seeing people get angry or upset. I didn’t find this “fun.” I cut him out because he really enjoyed this and I began to be one of the targets he enjoyed pissing off.
These were the easier detachments. The harder ones came with family. They were the ones who told me things “for my own good.” The constant criticism, negative presence (for most of my family life is something to be endured before the drudgery of death. Yes, very upbeat people) and bad habits they exhibited made it essential for me to separate myself from them.
You can’t choose your family, but you are more than free to choose who you will associate with. This is a very tough lesson for most people. As the guilt that toxic people, especially family, will lay on you is unbelievable. “How can you not talk to us, we’re your family?” The question I began to ask myself is, “why on earth would I talk to you?” Does the fact that we share blood give you the right to inform me at every turn that I am a constant disappointment? Or allow you to constantly berate me for not using drugs or drink alcohol.
I keep an open-mind about this. Perhaps, in the future, this will change. For now, I need to protect my sanity and keep boundaries with as many toxic people as possible.